Dating experience

30-Aug-2016 04:41

On my first online date, the girl thought she'd sexily nibble me over dessert: unfortunately, her "sexy nibble" was actually an incredibly hard bite and I ended up screaming in pain, bleeding all over the table and walking away thinking she was completely mental. As I told my story to friends who'd also tried online dating, they'd tell me their stories of bizarre experiences, too.

It was only a week later, visiting my doctor suffering from headaches and nausea, my doctor (a lovely old posh Scottish lady) asked: "Hmm, have you been bitten by any animals, Willard? My favourite was a girl who told me she went on a date with a guy who was genuinely dreadful – a real "ahem, you had three rolls, I had none, so a I think a 35/65 split is more equitable on the bill" type. And attached to the text was a picture of said massive penis.

I never really meant to start internet dating, but after a long-term relationship left me single aged 32, I didn't really feel like I had a choice.

My break-up was a bit nightmarish – the girl was due to be the bridesmaid at our friend's all-American, taffeta ballgowns-and-doves-style wedding – you know, the kind of weddings they have at the end of American romcoms – and she failed to show.

I'd assumed I'd meet normal people from normal sites, and odd people from the odd ones, but it didn't work out that way.

For example, farmer dating website Muddy Matches sounds like the punchline to a joke, but actually turned out to be a brilliant way to meet plummy young ladies called Tamara who liked horseriding.

Unfortunately, while I was charming, intelligent, funny and normal, that gave me no guarantee that the person I'd meet would be the same. While this was clearly one of the worst dates ever, it wasn't the worst I've ever been on, or ever heard of.

When internet dating shed its formerly taboo reputation circa 2010, there was a certain level of hype – and dare we say glamour – attached to this new-found way of flirting. And if you haven’t yet, why not give it a go with our round-up of the best online dating sites? You still expect chivalry and flattery in equal measure When internet dating, of course you want to be contacted first, and then followed up with a series of funny, insightful messages increasing in wit and charm each time.

Here are 12 things you know only if you’ve voluntarily put yourself through the excruciating process of internet dating.

On mainstream sites, I often found people who were strange – one girl who organised her dating via a giant spreadsheet, for example, and another who started tearfully talking about her suicide attempts by the second drink.

From the experiences of friends, I'd expected, as a bloke, to be doing all the chasing, but I found that wasn't the case.

Unfortunately, while I was charming, intelligent, funny and normal, that gave me no guarantee that the person I'd meet would be the same. While this was clearly one of the worst dates ever, it wasn't the worst I've ever been on, or ever heard of.When internet dating shed its formerly taboo reputation circa 2010, there was a certain level of hype – and dare we say glamour – attached to this new-found way of flirting. And if you haven’t yet, why not give it a go with our round-up of the best online dating sites? You still expect chivalry and flattery in equal measure When internet dating, of course you want to be contacted first, and then followed up with a series of funny, insightful messages increasing in wit and charm each time. Here are 12 things you know only if you’ve voluntarily put yourself through the excruciating process of internet dating.On mainstream sites, I often found people who were strange – one girl who organised her dating via a giant spreadsheet, for example, and another who started tearfully talking about her suicide attempts by the second drink.From the experiences of friends, I'd expected, as a bloke, to be doing all the chasing, but I found that wasn't the case.But you still want to exercise your feminist right to cut the other person off when asked for ‘a saucy bum pic ;)’ or a ‘cheeky photo’ **insert dry retch here.** 2.